The Onion

Hot Top New Active

What Biden Can Do To Win Over Gen Z

by

seahorse [Ohio]

4

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

by

Woke, Woke, Woke, Snowflake, Cancel Culture, Woke, insists Lee Anderson

by Nero

2

Anarchist Surprisingly Strict About Board Game Rules

by

8

Trump Reflexively Asks Michael Cohen To Silence Michael Cohen

by Nero

Florida Students Given Lifelike Dolls To Simulate Responsibility Of Owning Slave

by Nero

Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

by

5

Man pivots seamlessly from criticising trans rights as ‘a threat to women’s safety’ to defending Russell Brand as ‘no threat to women’s safety’

by

7

Where the Hell are Ryder’s From Paw Patrol's Parents?

by

Tattletale Times

19

Trump Brags His Brain Worms Are Still Alive and Very Strong

by

17 Days In Incubator Longest Time Premature Baby Will Go Without Being Exposed To Advertising

by

seahorse [Ohio]

Steve Albini Standing Outside Gates of Heaven Telling Everyone How Much He Hates the Smashing Pumpkins

by Dex

4

Bored Riot Cops Break Up Calculus Class

by

seahorse [Ohio]

4

Man decides it’s just easier to become climate change denier than waste his life washing out food containers

by Nero

Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing

by

0

Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up

by can

Israel Accuses Al Jazeera Of Being Mouthpiece For Journalism

by

New Texas Law Makes It Legal To Sue Any Woman Whose Weight Fluctuates To Find Out What’s Going On There

by Nero

How to Boycott a Company By Talking About How Bad It Is and That’s It

by

Seinfeld slams woke student audiences: “Back when I dated high school girls, they found me hilarious!”

by

Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead

by

‘Bluey’ Praised For Tackling Difficult Subject Of Walking In On Parents During Their Scheduled Weekly Sex

by can

Local woman convinced that misogyny is no longer a problem thanks to man shouting "Not All Men" every time she talks

by

Taylor Swift Begins Day By Playing Video Reminding Travis Kelce Who She Is, How Long They’ve Dated

by can

Boeing Swears They Just Only Hire Suicidal People

by

DxK

‘Sorry I’m Late—These Protesters Were A Nightmare,’ Says Blood-Splattered, Riot-Gear-Clad Biden Entering Press Conference

by can

Abuse shelter relocates to a coal mine in hopes of getting government funding

by Supervillain

2

Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes

by

Trump Boys Bake Dad Cake With Gavel Hidden Inside

by

2

Cop Practices For Long Day of Busting Protests By Beating Teenage Children at Home

by graham1

9

Kristi Noem Saves Face by Claiming Dog She Shot Was Infected with Woke Mind Virus

by Nero

Audi and BMW in desperate battle to release most arrogant autonomous vehicle

by

2

Landlord Forced To Raise Rent Due To Thinking Of Bigger Number

by Nero

American 18-year-olds stoked to vote in last presidential election

by

J.K. Rowling Explains Goblin Rebellions Were About States’ Rights

by BuddyTheBeefalo

4

Why me arbitrarily giving verification to notable Twitter users is good, but the last regime arbitrarily giving verification to notable Twitter users was bad, by Elon Musk

by

2

Joe Rogan Experience Podcast Features First Child Guest Alec Jones

by

Tattletale Times

9

Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid Vacation

by graham1

8

The Onion boutta do whatever tf it wants

by lemmingnosis

60

$1200 Graphics Card Opens Two Extra Google Chrome Tabs

by BuddyTheBeefalo

Twilio cofounder Jeff Lawson appears to have just bought The Onion

by

misk

Dad Blows Through 10 Of Child’s Snack Packs In One Sitting

by Nero

9

Area Man Unsure If He's Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

by

Bob

7

'We Support the Right to Freedom of Expression,' Says University Official Who’s Trying to Contact the National Guard

by

4

Columbia University Qualifies That Students Only Allowed to Stage Protest if It’s Quiet and Ineffective

by

Local Child Fails to Grasp “Yes, and” Improv Principle, Bores Playmates

by

Tattletale Times

6

Breaking News

by Minarble

Woman Jealous of Cat’s Health Insurance

by Nero

5

Extra Egg Roll Thrown In By Mistake Becomes Man’s Sole Reason For Living

by

seahorse [Ohio]

Boeing Expresses Condolences in Advance of Second Whistleblower's Suicide

by

This incredible millennial bought their first home just by making a packed lunch every day for a year and buying a winning lottery ticket

by

8

Steve From “Blue's Clues” Touches Hearts of Millennials by Beating Dan Schneider to Death With His Bare Hands

by

Woman Doing Her Best to Like New Taylor Swift Album Lest She Face The Consequences

by

29

Facebook Launches “Most Powerful Profile Picture Filter Yet” in Support of Ukraine Against Russian Invasion

by

0

Congress Quickly Passes Funding For National Night-Light After Waking Up From Scary Dream

by

seahorse [Ohio]

4

New York City Launches New Shareable E-Cig Program

by

seahorse [Ohio]

4

Neil deGrasse Tyson Gets Into God Debate With Terminally Ill Child in Make-A-Wish Gone Awry

by

Mom Confirms Extramarital Affairs with Everyone on Xbox

by

0

Obsidian Announces a Much Better Fallout Show

by restingboredface

Obsidian Announces a Much Better Fallout Show

by restingboredface

2

Judge offers to let Donald Trump attend his son’s High School graduation, if he can pick him out of a line-up

by

9

Trump Rejects Several Female Jurors as Not His Type

by

5

You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President

by

Five

2

Eric Trump Only Potential Juror Uninformed Enough To Serve At Father’s Trial

by

4

Jerry Manders, 5-Year-Old Prodigy Liar, Already Hailed as Future Political Star

by

Tattletale Times

5

Help! My Boyfriend Is 5 Years Older Than Me And Won’t Stop Making References to Early 2000s Flash Animations I Don’t Understand

by

Children’s Fucked-Up Little Drawings in Horror Movies, Ranked

by

4

Trump Brags About Latest Cognitive Test After Crushing Kids Menu Maze

by

Man Espousing Right-Wing Beliefs for First Time Sees Podcast Set Magically Forming Around Him

by

1

Gamer Simply Wants Non-Political Games, White Ethnostate

by

Brexiter annoyed by people pointing out that thing they were told ‘would happen’ is now ‘happening’

by Nero

Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before Passing

by

7

O.J. Simpson Allowed To Remain Living After Coffin Doesn’t Fit

by

The Picard Maneuver

Bring out the rule book

by

Ultragigagigantic

77

Austrian newspaper copies from German version of The Onion

by

8

Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before Passing

by

0

Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students

by

5

‘You can’t say anything these days’ insists man saying exactly what he thinks, every single day

by Nero

Man Still Thinks Of Computer Virus As Cartoon Worm That Bites Through Screen

by

The Picard Maneuver

9

Supreme Court Expands Access To Roofies

by

Journalist Who Dreamed of Writing from the Front Lines Willing to Settle for Summarizing SNL Skits for HuffPost

by Nero

2

Man Thinks Games Were Better When He Was Blind to Their Blatant Political Themes

by

Pregnant Sex Ed Teacher Must Really Know Her Stuff

by

seahorse [Ohio]

1

Dad Hopes New Neighbor Likes Verbal Altercations

by

seahorse [Ohio]

1

Dad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship

by Nero

2

Kanye West Accused by Workers of Acting Like Kanye West

by Nero

0

Perfectly good slice of bread utterly ruined by Marmite

by

Hockey Arena DJ Waiting for Perfect Moment to Play “Welcome to the Jungle”

by

tree

4

Environmental Fail/Nostalgia FTW: This 3-Mile Wide Garbage Patch In The Pacific Ocean Is 100% Composed Of Troll Dolls

by

tree

1

3 Classic Norwegian Fairy Tales Parents Used To Scare Their Children Out Of Going On ‘Shark Tank’ Without A Clear Pitch

by

tree

2

Ford doubles down on refusal to build fourplexes until someone explains to him what they are

by

tree

3

Father Unaware He's Been Pushing Empty Stroller For Past 8 Blocks

by

The Picard Maneuver

1

U.S. Warns A Gaza Ceasefire Would Only Benefit Humanity

by Alsephina

8

‘School Never Taught Us About Taxes,' Says Woman Who Wouldn’t Remember It Even If They Had

by

tree

U.S. Warns A Gaza Ceasefire Would Only Benefit Humanity

by Alsephina

0

Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an Appointment

by

tree

Aw Crap: I Thought I Said Something Normal but My Therapist Responded “Let’s Unpack That”

by

tree

The Only Way to Save Public Education Is to Turn Every Single School in America into High-End Condos

by

tree

7

Coca-Cola Incredibly Hurt Nation Not Going To Try New Flavor They Worked So Hard On

by

tree

Why I Stopped Dating Guys My Age and Started Dating Guys Who Were Born as Old Men and Are Aging in Reverse

by

tree

6