Jokes

The Spitfire

You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.

Pig Latin

I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

And, crowded as it was I had to stand very close to this beautiful young woman. Bouncing and jarring into each other as the train moved all I could think is... please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.

So, like, if you stand in a gas giant, do you fall or can you stand on top if it even though it's gas?

When he gets a day pass to visit Earth, he goes into a bar in Moscow, orders a vodka and insistently asks if Crimea, Donbas, Kyiv and the whole Ukraine are still "ours." Reassured by the bartender's affirmative answers, he asks for the check. "Five euros," the waiter replies.

Because they're hill areas.

He can't grasp the concept of consent.

His first swindle was trading blankets to the Cherokee nation

Because Kelly achieved the rank of Captain, and Harris's platform is no cap.

He uses an abacus to cook his books

He uses an AOL email address to sell top secret documents to terrorist states.

He goes to Epstein Island for bird watching

That his tiny hands were considered normal size for people in his times

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

They identify as her/she

A swallow

The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"

A woman is out shopping, and suddenly spots her husband. As she's about to say hello to him, she notices the man is filthy: his clothes have stains from spilt food and drinks, his face and hands are dark with mud and grime.

His pants fit like a glove!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

Genie: There are 3 rules... no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing back dead people.

"I don't always oppress my citizens, but when I do, I make sure they know who's boss."

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

Saint Peter looks over the three men and sighs, gently shaking his head. "Look, we're doing some renovations in there at the moment, so we can't accept too many people at once. We can take one of you, so... Whoever had the most tragic death, you get to go in first. Sound good?"

Thankfully, they're both decent enough people for them to wind up in heaven. Hand in hand, the pair walk up to Saint Peter, stood by the pearly gates, and ask him "is it possible for us to get married in heaven?"

An astro-not.

The idea is that, when he goes out on the town and winds up drunk, his shoes can intelligently walk him home without him getting lost. The only problem was that the shoes were too smart, and wanted to see more of the world than just the road between the pub and his house. Every so often, he'd sober up and find himself on a beach or by a river or some such.

They have little anty bodies

A bear walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender.

A pirate walks into a bar, with a large steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he approaches the bartender, he is met with bewildered stares.

The officer brings Joe into the room and says "I'm afraid his face was heavily damaged in the attack. We've done our best using dental records, but we need you to help confirm his identity."

the third one ducks

completely surrounded by indians threatening with bows and arrows... many, also on horseback. the ranger eyes the foreboding army in a complete 360 and asks, "well, what do you think we should do"

Like there were red flags everywhere

A man enters a shop he had never seen before, littered with strange oddities on every single shelf. On one shelf was a monkey's paw, and another housed a strange puzzle box. What caught the eye was a strangely beautiful statue of a rat, small enough to fit into a person's hand comfortably.

Does that make me ricist?

Suddenly, he finds himself incredibly thirsty, and without any tea or water on his person. Since he's already slumming it, he heads to a nearby stream and starts cupping water into his mouth.

The logician, somewhat baffled at the man's comment, decides to educate him in the basics of logic. "Well, it's simple reasoning. You take a fact and draw other facts from it, like... Do you own a lawnmower?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

One of them is a doctor, and the other one a deaf man.

And happily, she accepts. Of course, the boy wants to do his very best to make this evening as unforgettable as he can.

Obama goes first, does the 100 meter in a respectable 10.3 seconds.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!” Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!” Cinderblock says to her mother, “~hghghdnbgh~!!? ^dnbgh^!??!”

Having painted before, they realize that their habits are going probably going to get paint all over them. Being good friends without many other clothes, they figure they'll have a laugh and paint in the nude.

A stick.

The procedure is surprisingly fast and is a rousing success, leaving the man's skin far smoother than it had been in years. He stops by a news stand to buy a newspaper when he suddenly decides to ask the vendor "hey, how old do you think I am?"

Because he likes eating dates

...but the flag's a big plus

Probably one of the neo-nazis at the federal prison he’ll be in for the rest of his life.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

With the cops on their tail they cut through a messy warehouse with three burlap sacks. They each jump in a sack hoping to hide from the police who come busting into the warehouse. As the cops search a young rookie notices the sacks. As he's a bit lazy (and more than a bit thick) he gives the first bag a kick, rather than search it. The robber in the sack panics and says "meow meow" to which the cop nods and says "huh, just a cat in the bag. Fair enough. But what's in this next sack?" He gives it a kick and the robber inside goes "woof woof" to which the cop says "ahhh, this sack has dogs. Makes sense, keep the dogs and cats separate... But what have we in this third sack?!?" He gives it a kick and hears "potato potato potato."

He has no memory of coming home but knows that he definitely didn't make it home when he said he would. Knowing his wife is probably furious, he puts on clothes and starts to head to the kitchen when he sees a note "Honey, there's coffee on downstairs. I've prepped things so you can make pancakes, hashbrowns and bacon if you're up to it. I've taken the dogs for a walk. Love you!"

so what do they call it when you make a mistake?

Only problem is that I don't think I can run that far.

Turns out it’s a talking duck, which orders a beer.

A philosopher walks into a bar, dragging his long beard.

Then he found a thimble solution

He goes around the base to give things an inspection, hoping he can make a few changes to improve things. Only half way through his inspection, he finds a private stood next to a bench, seemingly doing nothing.

The bartender asks the horse "I take it you'll have an ale?"

He said no.

The oldest hen on the farm immediately flocks to the new hen and offers to show her around. "Here's where the food usually gets thrown. You're welcome to peck and whatever's nearby.

Or did she?

Think this was a Steven Wright joke (my favorite comedian ever)

Jenga.

The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses here!"

It's just gaslighting you

Because love means nothing to them.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.