DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist

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https://theonion.com/dnc-vows-to-replace-graham-platner-with-establishment-rapist/

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people have been concerned the onion would struggle with the absurdity that is our politics right now, but simply stating facts in a blunt, sarcastic way seems to be working out for them

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He’s more straight news:

WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch and let me crawl in next to him, I knew there was nothing to worry about,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, noting that McConnell was quiet and appeared contemplative throughout the visit as leading Republican lawmakers shared the latest news from Capitol Hill. “No, he wasn’t running his mouth and waving his arms around, but that’s because he’s always been more of a subtle tactician. When they reinserted him into cold storage, I was more confident than ever that he’d help us retain our majority in the Senate. Seeing him motionless for 90 minutes the way we’re used to really lifted our spirits, and I for one was glad to feel so silly about my anxiety.” Thune added that he couldn’t help but smile when McConnell’s rigid hand shattered as he shook it, just like always.

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