“Elijah Clark, a consultant who advises companies on AI implementation, is blunt about the bottom line. ‘CEOs are extremely excited about the opportunities that AI brings,’ he says. ‘As a CEO myself, I can tell you, I’m extremely excited about it. I’ve laid off employees myself because of AI. AI doesn’t go on strike. It doesn’t ask for a pay raise.’” — Gizmodo
Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. “We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a gold or silver finish,” Trump said while examining various wall-mounted lighting options, adding that he was committed to reaching a diplomatic solution in finalizing the design of his planned $300 million White House ballroom. [...]
Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. “They’re completely optional, of course, but a lot of brides find them quite helpful,” said event organizer Riley Hirsh, who spoke in a soft voice as she assured the multiplatinum artist that there was plenty of time before the big day to loosen up and get in some practice. [...]
Do you worry that you spend too much time on the computer? Don’t! In all likelihood, you’re not spending anywhere near enough time online. Here are five reasons you should triple down on your daily screen time!
Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday that a newly acquired rescue dog lacked the X factor required to be adopted. “We’re looking for a little razzle-dazzle, and all we got is this total dud cowering in the corner of his crate,” [...]
US President Donald Trump’s planned White House ballroom, requiring the complete demolition of the historic East Wing, is being criticized by Canadians who will now never get to torch building for a second time since the War of 1812.
Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. “If they’re not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they’re definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle,” said Maynard, explaining that the most recent dispute began when Aunt Michelle refused to chip in for the shrimp cocktail appetizer ordered for a family gathering at a restaurant. [...]
Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard member Jason Ringgold reportedly woke up screaming at 3 a.m. Thursday after having a nightmare about Americans peacefully going about their daily lives. “Oh God, they were carrying groceries and picking up their kids from school—from school,” said a still-shaken Ringgold, who recently returned home from Chicago, where his unit is still deployed [...]
Shedding light on the animal’s compassionate nature and pop-culture savvy, a study published Wednesday in the journal Behavioral Ecology And Sociobiology found that elephants mourn the cancellation of their favorite TV shows. “The research we conducted over the course of many years in Botswana confirmed that elephants experience a period of deep sorrow when Hollywood executives pull the plug on their most beloved dramas, comedies, and competition reality series,” said study co-author and Yale University zoologist Charlotte Pham, adding that the behavior was first observed in 1983 when a group of African bush elephants solemnly formed a circle around a TV to watch the last episode of MAS*H. [...]
In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. “The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that Trump immediately raised concerns when the plastic specter showed up to the White House dressed “very disrespectfully” in filthy, tattered rags and cobwebs. [...]
Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. “When I learned about the strength of Canadian automotive and aerospace manufacturing, I knew I had to put it in a song,” Perry said in an Instagram post accompanying a preview of the new track, which features lyrics such as “Five-fifty billy in exports annually, uh-huh / They makin’ tires in the Annapolis Valley, uh-huh” [...]
On the surface, ClickHole.com and Cancer Today magazine may seem similar, perhaps even interchangeable, when it comes to quality and content. But once you dissect the two of them and compare them side by side, ClickHole stands out as the clear winner. Let’s explore. [...]
Following a brazen daylight heist of the French crown jewels from the Louvre, French authorities have declared no charges will be laid, citing the country’s “Trop Cool Pour Être Un Crime” (“Too Cool to be Crime”) law.
Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person’s sweater. “Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs that encodes for the power to hold a cardigan and see in one’s mind flashes of a young woman being stabbed to death in a ravine,” [...]
With millions across America taking part in today’s planned “No Kings” protest, Canadians have signalled their willingness to lend support – though emphasize that they still have a “weird affection” for their recent Queen.
“The U.S. Supreme Court, hearing arguments Wednesday over a core provision of the Voting Rights Act, appeared inclined to limit the use of the landmark law to force states to draw electoral districts favorable to minority voters.” — AP News
Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate’s ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani Friday for refusing to share his plan to make the rich richer. “Despite repeated calls to release his four-year plan for growing the coffers of our city’s wealthy elite, Mamdani has so far offered few specifics on how he would increase economic inequality as mayor,” [...]
Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. “If we didn’t have decades of memories together, there’s no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life,” said Griffiths, adding that now the two have absolutely nothing in common besides having gone to each other’s houses every weekend for 10 years. [...]
In a stunning triumph for willful ignorance, local man Derek Williams has once again demonstrated his unwavering commitment to believing absolutely anything that confirms what he already believes.
We’ve all dreamt it, but how do you achieve it? If you want “The Impaler” to posthumously be added to your name by historians or terrified townsfolk, you’re going to have to put in the work. Here are five things you’re going to need to do. [...]
Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now. “After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, noting that at a time when humanity was developing quantum computers, it was “pretty messed-up” that voices in two-way radio transceivers still came out tinny and could be difficult to understand. [...]
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they turn brown and then carry them away in unmarked vans to unknown locations.
As the world continues to feel increasingly bleak with the stress of the news, the economy, the housing market, the multiple global conflicts, inequality, fuckwit bosses and day to day bullshit – many have resorted to screaming into the void for relief.
A woman learning an instrument for the first time has deluded herself into thinking she may have a natural affinity for it, despite never showing any signs of having a single musical bone in her body.
I care deeply about my students’ learning, but with all the new technologies available to help them cut corners, I worry that they’re not doing the deep thinking necessary to learn. That’s why I’ve been prompting AI to create lesson plans and assignments for me that will engage my students.
Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away, the parents of local teen Sutton Langford expressed concern Monday that their son was falling in with the wrong socioeconomic class. “I don’t know what went wrong—we’ve always tried to funnel him towards wealthy, high-class people,” said tearful 53-year-old mother Deborah Langford, who added that she first became concerned after discovering her son had skipped rowing practice to hang out with a mid-level manager’s child. [...]
After over two years of horror, trauma, and being held captive by forces that didn’t care about his well-being, one man has finally been able to celebrate the return of his freedom to scroll past stories about Gaza on Instagram without feeling a little bit guilty.
Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murders committed by 5-year-olds since they began detaining children. “Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don’t lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are at all-time lows,” said ICE spokesperson Kristina Boyer [...]
A popular new sportsbetting app, BetDuel Sportsbook & Casino, advertises “all the fun of sportsbetting and casino slots right in your pocket, plus 4 in 5 odds of developing a debilitating compulsion!”
Following last night’s elimination of the New York Yankees, the United States Department of War has advised the White House that the Toronto Blue Jays are “perilously close” to acquiring the MLB World Series Commissioner’s Trophy.
Donald Trump has once again been cruelly snubbed by the Nobel Peace Prize committee, despite what he insists was an “incredible” year of personal achievements in the field of “peace, which is very strong right now, the strongest peace anyone’s ever seen.”
Expressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated Friday after a swarm he organized was only attended by 40 million other members of his species. “Oh man, I thought everyone would be more excited to cause a famine,” said the newly gregarious African grasshopper, adding that he knew he was pressing his luck by inviting 1.5 billion other locusts to his “end of summer scourge,” but never thought fewer than 100 million would show up. [...]
Unsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, National Guard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have begun aimlessly going door to door and asking residents if they have any order they might need restored, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hi there, ma’am—I was wondering if you’d seen any gang members or waves of criminal aliens rampaging through your household lately, and if I could assist in any way,” Cpl. Hunter Benson of the Texas guard said to confused 88-year-old Ravenswood resident Marsha Goldstein, peeking into the woman’s foyer to see if he could spot any hellish, out-of-control crime engulfing her living room. [...]
After missing out on the Nobel Prize for Peace, Donald Trump has urged his supporters to storm the Norwegian capital, claiming the world has never seen a leader more peaceful than him.
As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. “In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu [...]
By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, Klan members, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, some dudes we don’t know cosplaying as Walker, Texas Ranger—patrolling your city. Maybe even arriving via Blackhawk helicopter.
With the province’s teachers on strike, Danielle Smith’s UCP government has tabled new legislation banning the use of the number 58,008, in order to “protect Alberta’s most precious resource, our children.”
Senator Pauline Hanson has announced her newest bizarre campaign, this time attacking brown paper bags, demanding all stores start stocking white bags instead.
A Betoota Grove restaurant has come under fire from the local vegan community this week, after it was discovered that the ‘vegan’ options available on the menu were not only vastly overpriced, but quite pitiful.
I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that the future might be okay. [...]
The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the military’s ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities.
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