Dad Jokes

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What did the lettuce say to the celery?

by

6

On my way to work this morning a tractor nearly crashed into me. The driver was shouting about the end of the world being nigh...

by

4

I got a new pair of shoes from my recreational pharmaceutical direct sales outlet.

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

2

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

by

8

What do you call a midget psychic in jail?

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2

What do you give a sick lemon?

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3

Why is money called dough?

by PopcornPrincess

1

I stopped telling "Yo Mama" jokes because they were déclassé.

by ℕ𝕖𝕞𝕠

3

I stopped telling "Yo Mama" jokes because they were déclassé.

by ℕ𝕖𝕞𝕠

0

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

by perishthethought

9

Where do saplings go to learn?

by

7

What do you call a belt made of wristwatches?

by

9

Thought of this community when we revisited the park (hope it gets attached this time and not potato quality)

by xploit

11

Why do neutron stars perform so poorly in school?

by

5

That French chef freaks me out...

by

TheOneWithTheHair

4

What do you call bears without ears?

by

5

Last week I thought I was a sea snake.

by 5parky

1

Why do electrons dislike each other?

by

3

Did you know a characteristic of killer whales is that they work together?

by HonoraryMancunian

6

I used to have a fear of elevators...

by

The Picard Maneuver

2

What happened before the invention of the crowbar?

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1

Camper? I hardly know ‘er!

by

12

Did you know that before the release of the film Alien (1979) starring Sigourney Weaver...

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5

Did you know that before the release of the film Alien (1979) starring Sigourney Weaver...

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0

Why couldn't the leopard play hide-and-seek?

by

2

Why'd they fire the guy working as an internal advisor in the United Nations?

by antimidas

1

Why did the visually impaired man fall down the well?

by

4

What do you call a Mexican that can't find his car?

by andrewta

4

A cheeseburger walks into a bar.

by

0

What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards?

by

7

What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?

by PopcornPrincess

6

Why should you never play poker in the savannah?

by

6

Always beware of radioactive cats...

by

2

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

by

0

What's the difference between weather and climate?

by

1

What do Muslims during Ramadan and sonic the hedgehog have in common?

by vrek

1

Injured at the supermarket

by

The Picard Maneuver

1

Getting married at the library

by

The Picard Maneuver

0

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?

by

0

In the toy factory

by

The Picard Maneuver

19

Why was the Human Torch banned from signing autographs?

by

0

I asked my dog, "What is two minus two?'

by

6

The Dyson Show nearing 1,000 episodes!

by

root

1

I lost a fight against a martial artist

by

Usernameblankface

2

What kind of bird is constantly getting hurt?

by

0

My 8-year-old just hit me with this: Where do teachers go on vacation?

What's Fonzie's favorite sauce?

by

𝕾𝖕𝖎𝖈𝖞 𝕿𝖚𝖓𝖆

7

What is a biscuit's favorite kind of music?

by Odigo2020

3

You know what they say about anticipation...

by

3

What does a privacy person call an iPhone?

by shortwavesurfer

7

What has more lives than a cat?

by

9

Relationships are a lot like algebra...

by

4

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

by

8

"Ugh why is there pee on the bathroom floor?"

by

1

What do you call birds that stick together?

by

0

I gave my landlord a set of high-end headphones in lieu of my monthly cheque.

by Trex202

6

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

by PopcornPrincess

4

Boy: "Dad, can you tell me what an eclispe is?"

by

Dads naming boats might be my new favourite thing

by

48

The least spoken language in the world is sign-language

by

4

My passwords were insecure

by

4

Why can't Autobots visit Germany?

by

Did you know that the soviets used to have a potato powered rocket?

by Blubber28

4

A blind man walks into a bar.

by

4

What’s another name for a frozen burrito?

by PopcornPrincess

0

What did the spider text to the other spider?

by alyth

2

My donkey ass neighbour tried a 100% carrot based diet

by

3

What’s a golfer’s favorite snack?

by PopcornPrincess

3

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

1

Why did the skeleton refuse to go to the ball?

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

5

Clint

by

7

If you have have questions about TCP/IP, I know the pro-to-call.

by

My brother (ahem from another mother) told me that I couldn't make an inoffensive joke about left handed people.

by

2

Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

3

When does a bee decide to get married?

by PopcornPrincess

2

Lego is the dad of games

by

9

Life 3,026 years from today

by

The Picard Maneuver

10

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

by

2

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

by

Admiral Patrick

3

I heard a really juicy rumour about the butter...

by

5

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

by PopcornPrincess

5

Oh wow, is the work week ever rough!

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

3

Shout out...

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

0

What award did the dentist win?

by PopcornPrincess

2

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

by

LCP

0

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

by thagoat

8

My son asked to go get shawarma at the mall food court yesterday.

by

The Bard in Green

How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.

by

2

I just made a video game in which you go back in time and shoot Adam.

by

🇨🇦🇩🇪🇨🇳张殿李🇨🇳🇩🇪🇨🇦

did you hear about the cow that gave birth on the coffee plantation?

by FrostyCaribou

3

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

by

Usernameblankface

My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.

by

How do you know your clock was very hungry at lunch?

by

Usernameblankface

5

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.

by

It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.

by

2

Why shouldn't you talk to Pi at a party?

by

Tug

7

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

by

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

by

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

by

It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green. That would’ve been sublime.

by

9

About community

Description

This is a community for sharing those cheesy “dad” jokes that invoke an eye roll or chuckle.

Rules

Clean jokes only please. If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old, you probably shouldn’t post it here. Please post edgier jokes to !unclejokes@lemmy.world
Must post text, image (e.g., meme), or direct link. Do not post external links that cannot be viewed directly from the community (e.g., link to joke website, Facebook, Instagram, etc.)
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