Have you got any weird questions for the opposite gender?

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Wild Bill

For the males:

Could you imagine being in a relationship with a woman who takes on the “masculine role,” i.e. taking you out, taking initiative, being the breadwinner, protecting you, etc?

Asking because I’ll forever be searching for a man who wants this type of relationship. I don’t know. Reversed roles are sexy, sue me.

ProgrammingSocks

I promise a lot of men want this.

At least secretly, but it's considered socially unacceptable, unfortunately.

Wild Bill

I hope you’re right. I keep daydreaming about taking my future man out to dinner, spoiling him, going on shopping trips with him. Feels like people don’t believe me when I say this, like it’s so crazy for a woman to want it. Oh well. :’) Maybe my guy’s out there somewhere.

pipe01

I feel like many guys want that but don't want to accept it

Wild Bill

That’s exactly right I think. I think some guys can get pretty defensive when you suggest a trade of roles of some kind (woman pays the bill; man feels offended because he believes she thinks he isn’t man enough to pay for them?).

emax_gomax

Uh, yes, definitely. A lot of guys would like this.

TheBananaKing

In a word, fuckyeah.

Dr. Wesker , edited

I'm okay with this as long as the attitude is loving and not demeaning. But I'd probably need her to be okay with it being a level playing field, and her being fine with me leading when I feel I need to.

I was once in a relationship with a woman who didn't know how to hand off the reigns. It was tiring. But I'd love to date someone who is confident enough to switch roles whenever each other needs to.

squid_slime

Yes and it sounds pretty good to me, although I'd draw the line at pegging 🫠

Mango

Yes pls.

Scubus

Yeah, I would definitely be down with that. The only thing I really want out of a relationship is snuggles because sleeping alone feels so... empty.

Only minor note is that I've been in relationships before where, for reasons beyond my control, I was unable to make an income. It doesn't matter to me whether I'm the "breadwinner", but not being able to financially support my other at all was horrible. I don't know if that's universal for guys but I would imagine mostly yes.

secret300

I'm a bi man and love masculine women and feminine men. So having the typical roles switched sounds like a dream

Wild Bill

I’m a bi woman. I think this checks out.

Croquette

Yes. There would certainly be some friction points, but I'd much rather take care of my home and family instead of working.

davidagain

I took care of our young kids for a fortnight "instead of working" when my wife was rushed to hospital. It was far more exhausting than doing the day job. I don't know how single parents cope at all.

Croquette

I'm sorry that you lived through that.

Kids take a lot of energy when everything is going well, so I can imagine the added stress plus no support from your partner make this situation extra hard.

I was thinking more in a normal scenario where my partner still help, but isn't the primary caretaker of the kids and home.

But yeah, taking care of kids alone and working? A feat of resilience for sure.

EnderMB

I would be surprised if there weren't men that enjoyed or wanted this role - even if few admitted it.

To answer your question,. absolutely! In an equal relationship, you'd kinda expect it now and again for the small wins in your life. In a relationship where someone wishes to play the more dominant role it can shift.

Appoxo

Sure. At least I don't think I will be salty about having the inferior wage.
Dunno about the protection part though. I would personally hope that even the weaker partner would shield me from bad things as well as the strong partner.

Papergeist , edited

Sometimes, this is the case with my wife and I. We have kind of a fluid relationship. Each of us have things going on in our lives and one of us sometimes can't contribute to the household as much as the other.

When my wife was in college, I worked a shitload and was the bread winner. Now I'm in college and not working much at all and she is the breadwinner. Our marriage is hardly ever a 50/50, but we both understand this and I'm confident it's one of the main reasons we are so great together.

Maggoty

Already taken, sorry. She makes the money, I make the food.

Spykee

Hey!

orgrinrt

I’m actually in a similar relationship, though not due to design or will, just life and happenstance.

My so has a great job with good schedule and it’s her “soul” job, not sure what the word is in English but maybe you understand.

I’m, on the other hand, struggling with finding a career I could sustain. I have ADHD so it’s kinda tough, but we make it work perfectly.

Nowadays I study an engineering degree, so I’m home keeping the place neat and cooking for her and all that, and she provides the funds for all kinds of fun activities and all the rest you know, food and such included. I don’t mind, though at first my toxic masculinity kind of fought against that and I had a period of feeling bad about it. But we talk a lot and are good with it, so we went through it and it’s been nice since.

But I can imagine it’s hard for a man without prior experience of such a situation, to acclimate. But I think everyone can acclimate to it and get used to it. Just need to have very good communication to get through the first rough couple of months.

Wild Bill

Sounds like it works out for y’all and that’s great! I get that, for many men, it’s difficult to get used to that kind of “reversed schedule,” but we all like different things after all. If it works, it works.

theRealBassist

My gf and I have very nontraditional household roles.

I handle basically all the housework, I make way less money (working in education), and I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping.

She works.... and occasionally *folds some laundry* by putting it on top of the dryer in the way of everything lol

Skydancer

Absolutely. My partner and I have traded those roles more than once.

t0fr

Even if I can take care of myself, there is something quite comforting in that role reversal.

Cybermonk_Taiji

Yes.

You won't have a problem with this at all, just hang out in the fetish/kink community

Bear

Those are good behaviors regardless of whether they are considered masculine or feminine. In my mind femininity is inclusive of the strong beauty archetype. A highly capable person can be both a great leader and a great follower depending on the context.

ampedwolfman

To an extent this is my marriage. My wife and I both own our own companies. Mine is much more established and therefore offers me some leeway on my in office time (I'm an accountant). This means I often spend more time taking care of our children. I also cook, make grocery store trips, clean (to an extent), etc. She still helps around the house which isn't ad much as it used to be. But I see her working her ass off so I don't complain.

As for protecting me....no. I'm a pretty large dude. 6'3" 250. So unfortunately when things go bump in the night ya boi gets to go investigate.

dependencyinjection

Although I don’t really want a relationship with anybody again, but hypothetically this wouldn’t bother me at all.

Wild Bill

Follow-up question for anybody who might stumble upon it:

What are your thoughts on women doing the proposing? Would you mind it, personally?

Allero

That's my dream, and I actually had such relationships in the past.

For all intents and purposes, there are actually more men than women who want that, so you're on a great side of it!

Just look for role reversal/female-led relationships, or even in gentle femdom communities (though the latter is sexual, the community of it highly intersects with the other two).

felykiosa

I Would LOVE THAT

Captain Aggravated

I haven't gone so far as "let's completely switch roles, you be the man and I'll be the woman. You pay at restaurants and when something goes bump in the night I'll sit here in bed holding the blanket to my chest while you go downstairs with the baseball bat." Never occurred to me.

I used to think I'd like it if women would approach me, ask me out, initiate sex, that sort of thing. Until a few of them tried. To put it mildly, there seems to be a widespread moderation problem. To put it bluntly, I have heard more women say "rape me" than "hey would you like to go out with me sometime?" It's either that or "hints." "Hints" aren't hints, they're intentionally failed attempts at communication.

When most of the women I've been with just outright ignored questions like "what do you like in bed?" "What do you want to do?" "Do you like that?" it makes me stop trusting them. "I don't know I'm a repressed farm girl from a rural county in a red state, I was taught that enjoying sex isn't something I'm physically capable of doing" is something I can work with at least in theory. But "Do you like that?" and it doesn't even register on her face that I've spoken...that screams "I'm using sex against you" louder than her voice ever could.

So yeah any fantasy of a woman who takes an active role was dumped in the same mass grave as my fantasy of flying an X-wing. I'm grown up enough now to know that these things just can't exist in the real world. In the real world I've had women that sometimes said "maybe I guess" and I've flown a few Cessnas and LSAs.

[deleted]

Is there any way for a man to compliment a woman in public without it coming across as weird, or an attempt to hit on her?
Or should I just not do that in general?

anon6789

I've always been told the best thing to do is stick to complimenting things that are their choices.

Not great: That outfit makes you look good!

It's you coming off as being interested in their physical appearance, not the outfit.

Better: That's an awesome T-shirt! Where did you find that?

It's you thinking they picked out something cool or stylish and you like their taste in outfits. You're putting the attention on something they did, not anything about them appearance-wise.

Especially if they don't know you, odds are they have no desire to hear a stranger's opinion on their looks. That's too personal. But a stranger agreeing with their decision on something like buying something cool generally isn't.

Of course, some people are more or less open to any conversation with someone they don't know, so if you still get ignored or get looked at like a creep, you don't know their background and you respect that and don't persist.

A good rule to go by is if you're a guy, think of a guy coming up to you and saying the same thing or you saying what you're going to say to another guy. If you wouldn't tell another bro that he looks good wearing that, maybe don't do that to a girl. If you see a guy wearing a band shirt of a group you like though, you'd probably be ok saying "whoa, I love that band too!" or you'd be cool with some random dude telling you the same.

You shouldn't be afraid to talk to people, but you should always be respectful and keep in mind how well you know them and keep conversation at that level of appropriateness.

Otter

In addition to this, I've heard people say to do 'drive by compliments'. If you're not trying to start up a conversation or don't want the person to worry about a conversation, you can drop the compliment right as you're about to leave the situation. It has its downsides as well

Clay_pidgin

This has been my strategy. I like to compliment people because I can remember the few times it's happened to me, but I'm not trying to creep anyone out. Mostly stuff like "awesome shirt!" or "hey, sweet hat". Never "nice cock, bro". And never with the intention of starting a conversation. Mostly like passing by someone and pointing "excuse me, love the boots.", then keep on truckin' by.

Jarix , edited

Heh i have a couple stories.

At costco picking up hotdogs for the crew, get back to car and notice older (60+) lady with Doc Martins on (i figure shes an old hippie but doesnt really matter) so i tell her i love your big stompy boots! And because of her style i add, "you may not but i think you would love Jon Fluevog shoes" she thanks me and says she has a couple pairs and loves them but doesnt wear them every day so they last longer.

Pleasant 45 second interaction.

At a music festival in victoria bc watching a metal band called Malahat, see a younger woman wearing the same colour converse shoes im wearing standing next to me, bamd pauses and i tell her she has terrible taste is shoes as im looking down and pointing to my own shoes. She was confused for a moment then laughed loudly enough security looked my way.

Have used the shoe bit a couple times stuck in close quarters (elevators hallways transit etc) a few times not always successfully but usually it goes over well when they notice im wearing the same shoes.

Sometimes i have to explain it was just an intentionally bad joke(i do love a bad pun and a good dad joke) but rarely usually is well received. But thats literally all i intend and it usually happens in passing.

(Middleaged white guy beardo)

Scubus

I wish someone would drive-by compliment me with "nice cock bro"

davidagain

Sorry to look twice, but wow, nice cock, bro.

bamboo

It has its downsides as well

Leaving a bar to catch a train and I did this when closing my tab. Ended up in a conversation and missing my train.

Sparkles

Yes I like this! When people (even random strangers) compliment an external thing and it reflects something like a mutual interest that can be pretty cool. Especially if it’s a fellow metalhead.

Zerlyna

I approve this message.

inb4_FoundTheVegan

I love compliments! So long as it's not an attempt to start a conversation, if you think I'm pretty say so! But please don't expect me to say anything besides "thank you" and keep walking.

The only time I would rather a guy didn't is if I am forced to stay in the area. If we are in a elevator or waiting room, don't make it awkward because I'm absolutely not gonna reciprocate or set up a date with someone I don't know.

EmptySlime

That's basically been my experience as a "guy" too. I've given tons of compliments to random passing women and never once had it received poorly. The problem a lot of guys have is that their idea of a compliment is telling a woman she's got nice tits as a pretense to engage in conversation. Usually with the end goal of getting a date.

AnarchistArtificer

The other person who you replied to makes good points - it's always going to be context dependent and it drives me mad when I'm out and about and have so many signals projecting "leave me alone" (such as wearing headphones, being on the phone, studying etc.) and a guy hits on me.

However, if someone is generally approachable, I've found that the best compliments are on something the person has consciously chosen about their appearance. So stuff like graphic t-shirts (especially band t shirts), hair styles (I love people with dyed hair because this presents to me an easy option for compliments).

Jarix

Friday i told the teller at the bank when asked if there was anything else she could do i told her to tell her coworker(who was on the phone behind her) that she was a jerk because her shirt(blouse?) made me want lemonade (white shirt with a repeating lemon print, wasnt sure what it was and took me a bit of looking at it to figure out what it was, but had the time while the teller was processing my deposit)

Of course both of the bank people know my first name as ive been there before and i used the person's name.

I maybe would have said something like that without having met them before, but it would really depend on the scenario and environment. Likely i would have said nothing if there wasnt enough time to explain if it wasnt received well, which isnt always the case in public.

Jojo, Lady of the West

Not without another reason to be talking to her. If she's charging with you on the bus for a minute, go for it. But if she's walking past you on the street, keep it to yourself

Sparkles

Not really, to be honest. Unless it’s an event or venue where there is that expectation. Most of us just want to go about our business in general. I would say the first reason is just wanting to be left alone to do what we planned to do at any given time. Secondly, people don’t always take no for an answer. At best, it’s just another bother. At worst, it can be potentially scary. Hope this helps.

jeffw

A stranger? No.

Apytele , edited
  1. Don't, for the most part. If it's any more effort than literally just turning a and saying a single sentence like if you'd have to take more than a step or two or she's reading/listening to something and you'd have to do something to break her attention, don't bother. There's good odds that's intentional on her part but at the very least it's annoying. There's a little bit of flex to these depending on culture, so it's always worth asking a woman from your own culture.

  2. Don't compliment the natural state of her body, for a variety of reasons. A haircut or other cosmetic choice is usually fine. Tattoos are fine but bring up another point, avoid complimenting things in the bathing suit zone. It sounds obscure/complicated but consider the example of a tattoo poking out of a shirt collar. We all know it's on her tit; leave it alone.

  3. Do compliment something she chose, especially if it looks like something they put a lot of effort into choosing like a coordinated outfit, or a well-made cosplay. It can also help to avoid complimenting the shirt and/or skirt (possibly misconstrued to tits and ass) and choose an accessory like a bag, bracelet, or scarf instead. Careful about shoes, feet have become a sort of Western cultural shorthand for "weirdo" (despite the relative banality of that kink once you know what other shit goes on in that scene).

  4. Do compliment something specific about the thing that briefly highlights either something you might have in common, or some kind of knowledge/skill you have (example: "I loved [TV show] but was always more of a [different character] fan" or "the leatherwork on your bag is excellent, you have good taste!" (but you better know your leather!). *Don't* make it a question (see below)

  5. Say that like, one sentence, then immediately move away slightly and focus your attention on something else entirely. It gives her breathing room and lets her decide what happens next. Most of the time you'll still probably still get a fake smile/nod, but this is probably the lowest pressure way to approach a strange woman. You're better off just getting to know people through volunteering or a hobby group (if you really wanna meet women, join a yoga or dance class, or a knitting or romance novel club).

Jarix

Your last sentence seems a bit judgemental and insulting since they specifically noted they were asking about giving a compliment when NOT trying to meet women (hit on them). But perhaps im mistaken why you included that(which will be just confusion on my end then)

Your points put into words things ive done but never really realized it or would have been able to explain.

I say this because i have complimented tattoos on more than a few occasions and i have rarely noticed an uncomfortable reaction (i judge this by the fact that they talk about the tatoo ive mentioned for longer than i spoke words).

I am fascinated by what people choose to permanently put on their body. There are often very meaningful reasons for it, but not as rarely as i would have thought it is a very quick spur of the monent decision. Most of the time this happens at a check out/til in a store.

I will typically just make a comment about the work itself, not about the placement(unless its on a spot ive been told is very painful as many people have such different experiences, "ive been told that is a tender spot for a tattoo" or some such. But its an honest question because i have been told that)

Common things that prompt me to comment are striking/vibrant colours, im curious how old the tattoo is as some colours are prone to fading badly Or very clean and clear lines, especially when they are delicate or just very thin.

I have a specific reason or curiosity which prompts me or i dont say something which i think is why i seem to be able to successfully give compliments/comments to strangers in public. But ill also compliment guys in public as well for the same reasons/circumstances and im definately not attempting to hit on or pick up guys(ide be flattered if a guy thought i was hitting on him though)

Sup, targeted at women.

Like, how do you deal with menstruation when it's expected soon.
I mean, do you wear a tampon/pad/cup/whatever else there is in advance, just in case or...
I guess it can't be predicted to the minute.

I guess it qualifies as a weird question.

Apytele
  1. You can't always expect it, especially if you have some kind of reproductive disorder like endometriosis, PCOS, etc. This results in massive simultaneous messes of both bloody clothing and wasted, un-bloodied period products, and is colloquially known as "hell." It is often preventable (but also often caused) with/by hormonal birth control.

  2. If you spend some time really getting in touch with your bodily sensations and logging all of them in relation to your cycle, you can often start to notice things like mood swings, increased acne, bloating, headaches, cramping, and other common pre-menstrual symptoms. My whole vulva would ache. My whole inner lips, outer lips, taint, everything just felt like it was bruised, then next day, blood!

  3. You start by wearing your least favorite underwear. All women have a ranking of underwear from cutest / sexiest to period-est for this exact reason. This exactly what you keep the dingy ones around for. It usually starts small, also called "spotting." So you'll just go to pee, see a little smear or dot of blood, and start using products from there.

  4. Sometimes you can feel it just drop out feeling exactly like one of those vagina goo sharts. In fact, you're usually *hoping* it's a vagina goo shart because you can just wipe that out with toilet paper and move on with your day. It's not gonna soak through and stain three layers of clothing like blood would. Enough of it left sitting on the fabric for long enough (like, weeks) would bleach the fabric but blood is a pain in the ass if it's not a fabric you can just soak in H2O2.

I'm also an RN with a fair amount of experience in sexual health if you have any more period or reproductive health questions! Only thing I'm not good at is obstetrics (pregnancy), but everything that happens before that I can explain in detail.

AnarchistArtificer

"In fact, you're usually *hoping* it's a vagina goo shart because you can just wipe that out with toilet paper and move on with your day."

Oh man, this is relatable. Reading this transported me to past situations where I sat uncomfortable and anxious until I could get to a bathroom and check. Solidarity

Jarix

On a scale of 1 to 10 how similar is the anxiety/situation to needing to get to a bathroom because you need to check if it wasnt just a fart?

Apytele

About the same I would say.

AnarchistArtificer , edited

I've never used a cup before, but I know for certain, you can't really do that with tampons, because it would be way too dry and eugh, even imagining that is making me shudder. Most women who use tampons know how unpleasant it feels to pull out a dry tampon; I have to be careful near the end of my period not to use a tampon with too high an absorbency if I want to avoid this. I may switch to pads near the end.

Periods can come without warning though. Some people have a super low flow early on, so they might get more warning (if they go pee and there's a lil blood when they wipe), but also sometimes it's heaviest at the start, which is why many women have embarrassing stories of their period taking them off guard and bleeding through their clothing onto a chair or something. Someone might wear pads if they're expecting their period - you can get lighter absorbency pads that might suit this better. Older women might wear pads like this at other times - my mum occasionally pees a little if she sneezes too hard, so she wears lightweight pads at other times of the month.

It's easier if you can predict when your period will be. I've never had a regular cycle, and I thought the whole "my period is 2 days late and I'm anxious that this might mean I'm pregnant" thing only happened in movies until a friend anxiously messaged me about it. Turns out some people do have that level of regularity - I might actually ask my super regular friend what she does when expecting her period, come to think of it. But yeah, for many people, it can't even be predicted to the day, or even the week.

Edit: reading other responses to your question made me think of amother point: even if you have irregular cycles, it can be possible to predict by various bodily signs. Something that I don't hear talked about much is how vaginal discharge changes over the menstrual cycle. When I'm ovulating, there tends to be more discharge, and it's slippery and clear, almost like egg whites in texture. At other times in my cycle, it might be more white coloured, or more creamy, or more sticky. I find it gross and fascinating in equal measure — sometimes I'll just stick a finger up there to check if I'm unsure where I am in my cycle

NightAuthor

My wife uses a panty liner when a period is coming up. For my wife at least, it usually comes on light at first and she has a chance to notice when exactly it hits by checking the liner. And once it actually starts then the tampons are used in addition to the liner.

Sparkles

You can’t wear tampons very long so just a pad if it’s about that time or feels that way. Typically I know to do so when I’m turning into a honey badger emotionally.

Apytele

Fyi a silicone menstrual cup is non-porous, so it can be worn for up to 12 hours at a time (the staph bacteria that cause toxic shock can safely hide and reproduce in the cotton sponginess of a tampon, away from the acidity of normal vaginal fluid).

Sparkles

Cool, didn’t know that about those. I haven’t tried them.

Today

So good!! You can go to the fair or a music festival or a really long flight or whatever and not have to deal with changing whatever you use in a portapotty.

meowMix2525

Adding to this; on top of allowing bacteria to multiply, tampons also cause micro abrasions (small tears) in the vaginal wall which allows that bacteria to enter your bloodstream much more easily. This happens under any conditions but especially if you're using a higher absorbency than is necessary for your flow (or lack thereof). Do NOT use them for any length of time if you are not actively bleeding.

Could never use them for that reason lol, damn things were so terrifying when I was just starting out that I'd literally faint putting them in and taking them out and have serious anxiety while wearing them. Don't know why anyone would take that risk when cups are so much safer and cheaper in the long run.

eatthecake

Carry tampons at all times.

When the monthly misery ends i block out the whole experience and the very existence of menstruation until next time, when i am shocked and angered that *this is happening again, already!?!* I'm looking forward to menopause.

Zerlyna

Everyone is different and bodies change over time. That being said, at this point there’s a discoloration in daily discharge the day or two before Aunt Flo arrives. We Know. And period underwear is a game changer.

Lost_My_Mind

I like how you had to clarify that your question is aimed at women, and then proceeds to ask a question about menstration.

Catoblepas

Some dudes menstruate, even rarely men who were assigned male at birth. ✌️ Although the latter usually find out by needing their uterus removed due to lacking a vagina and their body not being able to clear the menses otherwise.

Lost_My_Mind

.................that sounds wrong, but I don't know enough about menstration to dispute it.

Catoblepas

It’s a type of intersex condition, rare but it happens! Many of the men with this even have fathered children before finding out they had a uterus.

WideEyedStupid

Huh, you learn something every day. That's very interesting, but it must be so weird and confusing to experience this.

meowMix2525

I stopped tracking my period at all cause I just have a sense for it now and it was annoying when I'd forget to log a period and my tracker would tell me ridiculous things like I had a 97 day cycle or something. Plus privacy concerns. The only time it becomes inconvenient is when a doctor asks when my last period started, which usually just illicits an "I dunno, not abnormally long ago" at which point they ask me for a firm estimate and I throw out a bullshit number that will get them to move on to more pertinent discussions. I got an IUD last year so varying cycle lengths and missed periods aren't without a reasonable explanation.

Anyways, I usually get a dull ache in my upper thigh/lower abdominal area the night before as warning. Mine start out pretty light, so a simple panty liner will keep me covered for the first handful of hours the next day. Honestly though I think I usually catch it by wiping after doing my business and seeing a trace amount of blood there, before I see any in my underwear. Although there have been other times that I just got a sense of moisture at a point, so the panty liner is a nice layer of security.

If I'm going out of the house I keep some regular pads on hand just in case the time comes to bring out the big guns. Menstrual cups are also super safe to get ahead of the flow with though (no risk of drying you out and causing micro abrasions like with tampons) so there's been a few times that I just popped that in from the jump. My workplace also keeps emergency pads stocked in the ladies room (as a last resort, those ones are SUPER bulky for some reason, way overkill)

Apytele

Why do you sleep with your hand down the front of your pants? I've worked in multiple psych hospitals, for a while exclusively with men and a bunch sleep with their hand on their junk. I thought it was purely an institutional "thing" that they'd picked up to protect the family jewels but then I noticed other men I knew casually doing it, even just while relaxing while awake and one of our security even got fired for falling asleep out on the unit in a patient care area like that, so it must be comfy, but is that the only reason?

Dasus

I can not answer why, but I've been told I do it too.

And wake up holding my junk a lot of the time.

A lot of the times it's definitely to reposition balls.

So sometimes not because it's comfortable per se (and it is), but because doing it avoids possible discomfort, I guess.

Also, morning wood. What's that about? What's the benefit of getting an erection when we wake up? O.o

RandomStickman

morning wood

When we sleep our body releases hormones that encourages blood flow in our body. Better blood flow means boner.

Apytele , edited
Dasus

Yeah this is an answer I've heard, but it's sort of generalised.

I'd like a every detailed medical explanation on why it happens specifically when waking up.

voracitude , edited

It's the wrong answer. Also, it's not just when you wake up - it's at various times during the night. The real answer is the sacral nerve: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/men-get-morning-erections-5-answers-questions

You'll notice them in the morning most because a) you're awake and b) you've had several hours for your bladder to fill, probably enough that you need to relieve it. This puts physical pressure on the sacral nerve, causing the erection. In turn, the erection closes the sphincter to the bladder more tightly because getting urine in the vagina during sex would change the pH and possibly kill sperm you have deposited/will deposit, which makes not tightening that sphincter an evolutionarily disadvantageous trait. This does make it something of a self-reinforcing cycle, though.

Apytele

I had literally never even heard of this I was taught the previous, thank you for sharing :)

Dasus

Well yeah, it's just during the night in general. Hell I'm not even awake in the mornings, lol.

This puts physical pressure on the sacral nerve, causing the erection. In turn, the erection closes the sphincter to the bladder more tightly because getting urine in the vagina during sex would change the pH and possibly kill sperm you have deposited/will deposit, which makes not tightening that sphincter an evolutionarily disadvantageous trait. This does make it something of a self-reinforcing cycle, though.

Exactly what I was asking for, thank you.

TheBananaKing

This has never made sense to me; a full bladder doesn't give you an erection when you're not asleep.

TheBananaKing

Yeah, it's just secure and comfortable.

Balls aren't directly sexual, but holding onto them can be like rubbing your eyes, just kind of non-specifically pleasant.

Boozilla

I think it's common, but not universal. I sleep on my side hugging a 2nd pillow. That's the most comfortable for me. When I wake up in a weird position, it's on my back with arms splayed out like a gunshot victim.

Finally someone else who sleeps hugging a pillow.

AmosBurton_ThatGuy

I have a pillow both to the left of me and the right so I always have one to grab when I turn over.

Boozilla

*It has nothing to do with the lack of childhood affection.*

morphballganon

I've never even heard of this before. My hands are typically near my head/shoulders when I wake up.

BigFig
morphballganon

"Hey this guy doesn't sleep with his hands on his dick, let's call him autistic" very nuanced bro

BigFig

That wasn't supposed to be offensive "bro". perhaps if you read it you'd see its not a "sign of autism" per se, but of neuro-atypicality. You could have read this and gone "wow, I DO sleep like that, maybe I should look into this" or "No not quite like that" but sure, you go to with the "Random internet stranger called me autistic" response.

RickAstleyfounddead [OP]

Are you sure I too have Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid

leftzero

Lost_My_Mind

A man of class.

BigFig

I've never consciously done this, but I have woken up many times in such a position so, I have no idea it must be some instinctual comfort position

squid_slime , edited

I sleep weird, on my side, top leg extended forward parallel to my torso and bent at the knee, and bottom leg straight as to follow my torso. My foot of my top leg is often positioned touching the upper part of my bottom leg as to make a triangle.

In maintaining this position I find my manhood is free, in failing this I often cup.

Reason why: its uncomfortable to have my privates sticking to my legs, or squished between my legs

Also I sleep nude might help explain the weirdness.

tiredofsametab

In the rare occasion I wear something to bed, I've never done this. If I've done it in my sleep, I don't recall waking up that way or anyone ever commenting on it. My wife will sometimes sit with her hand in her pants on the sofa, kinda like Al Bundy.

Skydancer

Sweat. When it's hot and humid in particular, a little bit of lift prevents uncomfortable sweat buildup where the scrotum meets the legs.

illi

Don't think I sleep so, but do it after waking up for sure,

As to why - no idea.

d00ery

It's definitely comfy 😂

Churbleyimyam

Using your belt/waistband is a comfortable and good way of stopping your arms dangling and flopping around while you relax/sleep.

Apytele

This would explain the institutional connection, cots can be narrow.

Death_Equity

If you have a guy in your life that you are intimate with, try it out. Hang out on the couch cuddled up to him and give the boys a hand cuddle. You can also do him a favor and check for lumps while you are there.

Lost_My_Mind

You assume I sleep with pants on to put my hands down.

Naked and fancy-free's the way to be!

soloner

My dogs jump on my balls when we get in bed at night. So I cover when laying down in bed. Habit of many years now I'm sure even when I don't have dogs I'll still do it for no rational reason

Dr. Wesker , edited

Male here. Is it true that sometimes farts unexpectedly head north and get lost in the caverns of the bubblegum forest?

Apytele , edited

Oh wait you mean forward up between the lips? Yeah but not like into the vagina, it gets up into the hair like you said and disperses from there. Also for some reason I wanna say those ones don't really smell much even. It's those hot little ones that do that but I think that happens to guys too, idk tho you tell me.

Dr. Wesker

Farts are also varied for guys, I suppose depending on diet. But yeah, the hot ones are equal parts disturbing and satisfying.

Sparkles

Yes, this is true.

Dr. Wesker

Damn. My condolences.

Lost_My_Mind

What did you think the Willy Wonka factory was based on? That liquid brown river wasn't chocolate.....

neidu2

I've heard these referred to as "exiting through the gift shop"

Kattiydid

Lost is a bit strong, it goes exploring and is politely but firmly removed by the kegal Captains.

Akasazh

Bubblegum forest

This cracked me up

Zerlyna

Agree with sparkles.

Modva

TIL

Starkstruck

Eyup

All my questions can't really be answered by just asking another person. I wanna know what it feels like to have their plumbing. Words aren't enough though. I want to *experience* it. At least for a day.

caseyweederman

I too thought I invented The Button

vortexal

Yeah there's one that I've wondered for a while now. Awhile back, I found out that women don't have prostates but they can still feel pleasure from that hole. How can they feel pleasure from that hole if they don't have a prostate?

Apytele , edited

Similar to how you can feel a sensual touch on your lips, nipples, or fingertips. There's a bunch of nerves there and if you're having a good time already and you're relaxed enough for it to not hurt, all that stimulation feels good. It also has the benefit of being right behind the vagina and the trailing tail ends of the internal clitoris, so they get stimulated a little too.

Additionally, if we're talking multiple penetration, when you have an object in the anus whether it's static or thrusting it stretches out the rectum and occupies space within the the pelvis. This means that when you go to insert an object into the vagina, there is less space in the pelvis for it to also expand out into. This means that the vagina will be tighter around the inserted object and as a result that object will feel larger than it otherwise would.

Even without any of that they say the brain is your biggest sex organ for a reason, some people can actually meditate themselves to orgasm (although there is some abdominal flexing iirc). Anal is a taboo at least to some extent in most places, and psychologically that's a cheap arousal button for an insane number of people.

Tywele [she|her]

Women have skene glands which develop from the same cells as the male prostate.

Zerlyna

There’s lots of nerves there. Gotta relax and it’s different but can be good. It’s definitely a collaborative effort.

I_Miss_Daniel

Not female, but my guess would be that since women have what is effectively the same as the head of a penis hidden inside, and the walls of the rectum are pretty thin, it'll be getting knocked about a bit care if its close proximity. Some may enjoy this.

BonesOfTheMoon

Your G-spot and anterior fornix butt up against your rectum, so basically it's like your G-spot in reverse.

Idk it just hurts for me though. A little touching the external parts is cool, but penetration is painful.

joshoff

Analog: How can you feel pleasure from someone sucking on your finger for instance?

My biggest sexual organ is my brain and when my body is used to get someone else off, I, too get off on it. It feels so so so so good to take dick in the ass (especially if they hit my prostate, but that part is not necessary).

Croquette

How is a dick different than a toy?

There is certainly the emotional aspect of it, but in terms of physical sensations?

joshoff

How is a dick different than a toy . . . in terms of physical sensations?

Physically only?

  • there’s the person attached to it who’s enjoying ramming you
  • temperature
  • unless someone else is toying you, you’re missing out on submitting to their rhythm
  • the sound (not physical, but not strictly emotional)
  • that the top is getting off too from the exact same friction (again not exactly physical, but I would have a hard time saying it’s just as good having someone toy you and jo at the same time as it is if he’s fucking you)
Croquette

Physically only because I imagine that it is the same feeling emotionally than PIV sex.

My GF doesn't have a dick, so I was just curious how it differs from a toy.

Call me Lenny/Leni

Yes. Why can't those of us with a vajayjay join you guys in the Freemasons? Are you talking about us in there, or what do you do in there?

solrize

No idea about the Freemasons but we do talk about you on the alternate lemmy.world server port... oh wait I wasn't supposed to mention that.

Call me Lenny/Leni

Just me?

AnyOldName3

No, but mostly you.

Barbarian

Freemasons also don't let atheists in. Was a hard pass from me at that point. I'm not faking belief in some deist creator god just to join in their weird rituals and bridge clubs.

Clay_pidgin

Same for me and the Moose.

lars

Yeah I don’t believe in any Meese either

Jakdracula

A Møøse once bit my sister

mortemtyrannis

There are all female lodges though.

toiletobserver

Eastern Star

Call me Lenny/Leni

I've heard of these but also heard they're not made with the same sense of what they're there for in mind, being susceptible enough to new ideas that they give a sliver of skepticism over the purity of the experience as one experienced by members of the historical rites. In fact, they and the classic groups are so disassociated with one another that the more historical groups will excommunicate more liberal versions of themselves using their likeness. Or so I've been let on.

Klnsfw 🏳️‍🌈 , edited

To tell the truth, it's a complex question, like "why are there no female Christian priests". Christianity is a wide thing, with lots of subdivisions. So is freemasonry.

Why no woman ? There are historical reasons: a founding text (Anderson's Constitution) states that to be a Freemason, you have to be a free man. There are also old initiation rituals (a bit like a Masonic baptism) where the person is bare-chested. For traditionalists, this forever excludes women. This is particularly the case in the Anglo-Saxon world. Traditinnalists also often exclude atheists, LGBTQIA+ people, etc.

But worldwide, there are also progressive lodges, mixed or even feminine (which accept male visitors, but do not initiate men). I live in Europe, and in my loge we are about 10 men and 20 women. Lots of us are social workers, teachers, nurses or public servants. Lots of us are atheists or agnostics. Some of us are gay, lesbian or bi.

About what we do, one more time: it depends. The main idea is to have philosophical questionings, based on ritual and symbolism (A bit like a religious person who uses a holy text to nourish their philosophical reflections). All lodges also have charities, because the aim of Freemasonry is to improve oneself in the hope of making the world a better place.

But some progressive lodges (like mine) go further and are places for reflection on society, in a place where everyone can share their point of view without being cut off (this is an absolute rule) and without judgment.

In these lodges, all kinds of issues of social progress are discussed, including feminist issues. But also topics like the defense of democracy, the right to a dignified end of life, the impact of AI on the job market, ecology, the rise of the far right, and so on.

In men's lodges (I sometimes go as a visitor), even the progressive ones, there's very little talk of women in my experience. Except at communal meals, where you can hear the same mysogynistic remarks as in any all-male group (ewww, imho)

Call me Lenny/Leni

If that's the gist of it, why does it tend to be secretive? It doesn't strike me as the kind of thing that would inspire people to be low-profile about.

Klnsfw 🏳️‍🌈

There are many reasons for secrecy.

Showing that you know how to keep a secret shows that you're trustworthy.

There are also certain rites of passage that are more striking if you don't know what to expect (but it's always benevolent).

Also, as it's a place where speech is totally free, it makes it easier to open up. For example, if we're having a discussion about LGBTQIA+ rights, I can share my experiences as a bi person to enrich the discussion, and I don't have to worry about being outed.

Finally, in Europe, the memory of Nazi persecution is still vivid, and today's far right hates us too. Secrecy, or at least discretion, is a protection.

But I have to admit that it raises suspicions and feeds conspiracy theories. So secrecy has its downside

Snowclone

Everything I've read about the Freemasons has been clearly written by people who hate freemasons, I mean... I don't keep going past the obvious tell, but I've been inside looking out on a my own strange outsider culture so, I just can't take haters at face value. As far as I can tell. It's a club.

toiletobserver
ampedwolfman

Girl's, how long have you been holding that fart?

[deleted]

After a few months of dating and holding them in, those farts and all future ones earn their freedom. My boyfriend now blames the cats when he smells something, which is very nice of him.

ampedwolfman

My now wife hid them from me for about 3 or 4 months. She's more flatulent than me. Always to think about how hush hush it has to be before everything comes out. I farted in front of her within days of our first kiss.

j4k3

Ladies, I'm partially physically disabled, stuck laying down 80% of the time, and rarely ever leave a home. Still in my 30's, but actually fit and don't look half bad by most accounts. However, I'll never get better physically. If there is someone out there for everyone, who is out there for me? Can you convince me to believe you, as I'm totally resigned to solitude.

Bronzie

I truly hope you find someone mate.

Not a woman but I’m still gonna give you the only advice I can: never ever give up as that is the only option that has a guaranteed outcome. If you are as awesome in person as you seem, I’m both rooting for you and a believer in your future.

i_dont_want_to

I'm a lesbian and my partner is also partially disabled. She manages her conditions but as far as we know, it's as good as it will get. (I have chronic issues too but I am typically mobile.)

We like to game together. We watch movies together. She also games with her friends and I go out and do other more physically demanding activities with my own friends. We like to discover new food and talk about politics.

We found that our sense of humor and morality aligns well and we enjoy each other's company. That and the fact that she was independent drew me to her.

Good luck out there.

Apytele , edited

First question: have you considered finding a woman in the same predicament? You'd have a lot in common and she'd understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't go to a support group with the intention of finding a date specifically, but honestly getting out and connecting with other people, or even just connecting online, could go a long way towards alleviating some of your loneliness.

Another facet I think is super important to mention here, a lot of people meet other people by being introduced by someone else. This is a big part of why it's so important to develop and do hobbies and pastimes and attend culturally unifying gatherings like religious ceremonies and festivals. While moving away from religion has had some benefits, we haven't really paid much attention to replacing it's social benefits, such as giving people a place to go on a regular schedule, which is one of the key factors in forming long-term bonds.

If you're asking if I would personally date you, I have no idea, I've never met you, you're *probably* not my partner's type, and I really don't go solo anymore these days. I will tell you what I told my partner about the "in sickness and in health" bit: I'm not going to be a primary day-to-day caregiver, there would need to be a home health aid 98% of the time and I would just pitch in if they weren't available or needed a hand. I also refuse to deal with any man who does not take an effective leading role in their own care. I've gotten sucked into too many fixer-upper men (only with mental illness thus far) and I'm not putting myself anywhere near that position ever again. I can't believe I got to the point in my life that I've had to add "calls own psychiatrist independently" to my list of criteria but here we are.

Zerlyna

I met my partner online a few years ago. He is 40’s but similar situation to you. Don’t give up.

Toes♀

You might be able to meet someone in a MMORPG. If not the escapism of creating a character and exploring a new world could be appealing.

moistclump

What have you tried? I think with therapy to come to peace and love yourself through it and then a really honest dating profile there’s lots of hope.

j4k3

Thoracic spinal damage is rare. That is the area along the rib cage. Essentially, I'm unable to go anywhere and be "normal." I have tried to fake it at much cost to myself in the past, but I'm just not myself and come across as very awkward and unfocused. It is a mess as rather depressing to talk about the implications. I can't blame people who do not understand the real world complications.

inb4_FoundTheVegan

I'm a woman and this is pretty close to my entire life. After suffering a dog attack I can't really walk anymore and it's a struggle to do a lot of basic household tasks. I too was also pretty skeptical I would ever find a relationship, but it's been over two years with my girlfriend and she is wonderfully supportive. We divide up house work based around what I can do and is always checking in if I'm feeling up to doing something.

All I'm saying is you can't give up hope. Women exist who are okay with our situations, you'll find her sooner or later. :)

therealjcdenton

I refuse to believe this is a real comment, nice bait

kakes

Yes. I'm a guy, and I would love to get a girl's take on this.

Do you think Fermi's "Great Filter" is not necessarily that a civilization destroys itself, but that it discovers a way to destroy the Universe?

Like, maybe the fabric of our reality is more fragile than we realize, and the reason we don't see "aliens" is that the universe doesn't get old enough for intelligent life to meet.

Of course, this assumes we are in a statistically "average" Universe, since presumably there could be a Universe in which intelligent life co-evolves within the same solar system.

AnarchistArtificer

I've always felt like a lot of the assumptions in Fermi's Great Filter feels off. Like, the way we talk about "intelligent life" feels iffy, both in astrophysics and other fields. I'm not great at articulating this, but if you're one for video essays, Dr Fatima Abdurrahman recently made a video that captured much of what I'd struggled to say on this. (https://youtu.be/_tw0aqmnmaw)

kakes

I can't guarantee I'll watch that video, but I can guarantee I intend to watch it when I can.

Generally speaking, though, I do agree that most people's idea of "intelligence" is very anthro-centric, if that's what you mean.

AnarchistArtificer

No pressure to watch the video, especially as not everyone enjoys consuming content in that form.

Anthrocentrism is part of what I mean, especially if we consider that historically, colonialism has had a lot of power to draw the line between who "counts" as fully human or not. A depressingly common motif is the cyclical logic of "this is what we understand human intelligence to be" -> "these people do not have the signifiers of human intelligence that we understand" -> "therefore these people aren't intelligent" -> (those people are less likely to be considered as the general understanding of 'intelligence' expands and evolves).

kakes

Yeah, the sociological side of "quantified" intelligence has a whole host of issues.

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

Personally, I think you're really close to the answer but with an important distinction. The great filter is an hyper aggressive species that does not want to deal with a potential cold war with a different species with technology as advanced as their own. They already launched their doomsday armageddon weapon at us after detecting our existence, probably from something like our farthest satille, Voyager 1.

It could take generations for the bomb heading to our sun or stealth asteroid heading directly for us to actually connect. But it's arguably in their best interest not to even chance us becoming militarily on par with them.

Statistically there is alien life out there somewhere, and whichever one got to interplanetary weapons first would have everything to lose by allowing an equal to exist.

My question for you is, why do you want a female perspective on this? Idk, doesn't seem like something that gender would effect.

kakes

No offense intended, but do you identify as male? I can't even be having this conversation if you do.

inb4_FoundTheVegan

😂

I do not. Heck, the thread is about asking the other sex, I wouldn't have answered if I was a dude.

kakes

Phew okay. In that case, I do agree that a hyper-aggressive species could be the Filter, though it's worth noting that our radio signals have actually reached further than our furthest probe, so I would go off that when doing round-trip destruction calculations. I love Mass Effect's take on this idea (though I haven't played 3).

As for why I asked women: Mostly because I thought the non-sequitur was funny.

Apytele , edited

They better get to it. Edit: the way to destroy the universe, I mean.

Vanth , edited

Deleted by author

kakes

I believe that science, math, are more inextricably linked to philosophy than people tend to think.

While my idea is particularly half-cocked, the Great Filter theory is an important question for us as a species to answer. If evidence ever came to light that there is some challenge awaiting us that could wipe out our species, it would behoove us to at least be aware that such a challenge exists - even without necessarily knowing any specifics.

I gotta admit, I really wanted to like 3BP on Netflix, but imo they added way too much "personal drama". It's like they intended to sprinkle it on and the lid came off the container lol. It was worth it just to see the ship though.

fishos , edited

Fyi, math and science *is* philosophy. Science is how philosophy started to actually get answers to the questions it was asking(the scientific method) and math is one of the languages it did it through. The Cult of Pythagoras was a group that believed all answers could be found through numbers and math.

Philosophy helped birth both of those fields.

kakes

Agreed. I was never a "math kid", so when I got to university, I was very surprised that a large part of what I learned in my math courses was actually philosophy.

That shift in paradigm instantly made me interested in math, weirdly enough. Turns out I love math, I'm just not a fan of numbers, haha.

MindTraveller , edited

You mean like what if species at a certain level of development start fucking around with zero point energy and trigger false vacuum decay?

Actually it's entirely possible it's already happened. There are lots of galaxies so far away their light will never reach us if it's emitted now, and vacuum decay travels at the speed of light AFAIK

Nonbinary btw

kakes

That's exactly what I mean. Like, even if a civilization set out at near-light speed a long time before triggering a vacuum decay, the decay would just catch up to them and wipe them out before they could reach us. It's a theory absolutely rife with holes, but it's an interesting possibility.

I'll gladly accept nonbinary!

PlexSheep

Interesting thought, but there is no evidence for this, right?

Croquette

No, just theories, the great filter being one of them.

kakes

If you're interested, here's an article that breaks down the "Great Filter" theory pretty well imo:
https://www.astronomy.com/science/the-great-filter-a-possible-solution-to-the-fermi-paradox/

eCryptid

Deleted by author

Otter , edited

I think the intent was humor, where the question was weird because it had nothing to do with gender or experiences related to a particular gender

Have you got any weird questions for the opposite gender?

kakes

You should join the circus with that incredible skill at leaping.

squid_slime , edited

I'm a guy.

Question: on several intimate occasions with more than a few partners I have notice partners will cup my pecks..

It makes me feel self-conscious and would like to know why some of you cup pecks? 🫠

Threadsdeadbaby

Ha I cup my man's pecs because they're there. I believe it may be the same reason men like to honk ours. Honk

Croquette

It took me a long time to appreciate the touch of my partner (years).

Now she could cup my belly fat and I would appreciate it. And I crave her touch.

And just like you said, in the heat of the moment, I grab whatever is there and try to make it feel good.

Rob T Firefly

*Pecs, unless you're referring to a traditional measure of pickled peppers.

squid_slime

Lol I like the latter more

moistclump

Maybe you have unusually nice pecs.

squid_slime , edited

They look like this ( . )( . )

kyle

*deep inhale*

Fuck yeah

OneWomanCreamTeam

As a bisexual: it's the same reason I'd want to touch a partner's boobs: because chest sexy

Etterra

Maybe they're bi? Maybe they think guys like it too? I feel the same way about women who go after nipples. That does literally nothing for me.

Kattiydid

To be fair, as a woman, my partner playing with my nipples does nothing for me either. They're just about as sensitive as fondling my tummy would be, or my outer elbow. can you imagine someone playing with your belly pudge to feel particularly arousing? I just kinda figure it's not for me. Since guys just love touching boobs so much, I just kinda let em play. They are fun to squish around I guess, like jello. I may very well be in the minority in this, it is just my personal experience. Actually, funnily enough, the inner elbow is more sensitive to me than my boobs are. ¯⁠\⁠⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠⁠/⁠¯

MindTraveller

can you imagine someone playing with your belly pudge to feel particularly arousing?

You say that as if that isn't a common kink.

Kattiydid

I... Did not realize that, though maybe I should have.

WideEyedStupid , edited

Maybe in a minority, but definitely not alone. I agree completely. Does absolutely nothing for me when someone touches my breasts, like at all. They may as well just been touching my back or my arm. Nothing erotic about it. But you know, it's not like it's particularly unpleasant either, so I guess, who cares? At least *they* like it. :p Well, as long as they're not trying to actually pinch or bite my nipples because that's very uncomfortable, and at certain points during my cycle it's downright painful.

Acamon

Lots of guys do...

Lost_My_Mind

Why don't some of you high five me when I get drunk? When I'm drunk enough, I highfive EVERYONE on the street! Never been high five rejected by a guy on the bar crawl, and some women are happy to high five.......but some get defensive, and reserved, like they think my hand is poison!

Y U NO HIGH FIVE???

IceBlade

The only people that have ever high fived me are assholes that put all their strength into it. Then my hand burns in pain for the next 30 minutes. I don't want more abuse from another drunk asshole .

Lost_My_Mind

Are you male or female? Males, yeah, that's how we high five. Females I go waaaaaay lighter on. Like a fist bump with your palm. The same way you'd high five a kid basically.

Snowclone

Dude everyone hates your high fives. Everyone. Penis or no. You over aggressive high fivin' fool. (I mean this mostly in jest, if it stings for 30min you're a wuss)

Lost_My_Mind

...........I mean......I don't high five them with my penis. Wait, have I been doing high fives wrong???

Null User Object

Males, yeah, that’s how we high five.

No, we don't.

Females I go waaaaaay lighter on. Like a fist bump with your palm.

And the intended recipients are all psychic and can tell that your delivery will be different than every other drunk high-fiver they've previously encountered. Right?

Vanth , edited

Deleted by author

Lost_My_Mind

What??? I'm not hitting people. I'm giving high fives.

Vanth , edited

Deleted by author

Lost_My_Mind

I usually run up to the guys first yelling "HIGH FIIIIIIIVE!!!! HIGH FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!" And then just high five them, and then their buddies, and then their ladies. Surprisingly enough, if the ratio is 1:1, thats when I get the most female rejection. If the ratio is off in either direction, thats when I get the cool women. The ones who are just as excited as I am.

Vanth , edited

Deleted by author

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

This exact scenario sounds threatening and like a total buzz kill. You need to understand that being out in a bar situation is a little vulnerable for women for obvious reasons, how am I supposed to know the guy coming up yelling to do a thing is safe? This could turn scary so dang quick. I get that you are just trying to be friendly and personable, but if I don't know you then I would absolutely be taking a step back and wish you hasn't done that.

I can't speak for all women, but you asked. I'm not even remotely suprsied that this isn't something other women don't reciprocate. I think maybe you should reconsider doing this.

Kattiydid

In my case it's because often even the slightest bit of humor or attention or willingness to play along with the bit gets me way more unwanted attention than I bargained for. If I respond like a person wanting to have a little fun with another person and it gets me treated like a thing they can now win and possess, the genuine human interaction has been tainted by the implication that it wasn't genuine, there was always a motive and, because I played along, I'm now not a person to be interacted with, I'm a thing to be owned. I'd rather just not do the thing if that's one of the possible outcomes. And yeah, that's why I tend to not go out anymore.

HenriVolney

I see you've met the guy who thinks that being horny and talking to a hot lady equals the lady being attracted to him... Sorry for your burden. I wish men were less like that

Snowclone

After I got a little older and past that weird age when it reverses and women are in the highest peak of their sexuality and men are half way out the door, I really started to hate these interactions. I feel like now I understood how every pretty girl felt about me when I bothered them. Not in a horrible creepy way, don't worry I give up super easily. I always take no for an answer.

Lost_My_Mind

You are taking a high five for WAAAAAAY more than what it is. I'm just high fiving people left and right, celebrating having a night out.

Nobody is trying to "win" you, or own you, or get one over on you. By the time I've high fived you, I've already high fived you......and then I'm high fiving the next person. Without further context, I'm not sure what you mean by you getting more attention than you want, or how that happens. I'm high fiving about 8 people in about 3 seconds, and then running to the next group. Within about 10 seconds the interaction is over, so I'm highly confused by what you're talking about.

Skydancer

But she has no way to know that, and a lifetime of evidence to suggest that your attitude isn't the universal male perspective. Since she doesn't know you personally, the risk outweighs whatever benefit she gets from the high five.

WideEyedStupid , edited

I think I know what the user means. Trust me (yeah sure random internet person), you have no idea how often the most innocuous stuff gets used as an opening, a justification to keep bothering someone. Some guy asks for the time? Suddenly he also wants to know your name and do you want to have a drink? Some guy asks where x building is? Oh well, have you lived here long? I'm new here, maybe we could get together? Or it's "does this tram go to x station?" and then, fuck, you're stuck in a moving tram without an easy escape and the guy keeps asking why he can't have your phone number, even though you already said no and then you lied about having a boyfriend, but still he won't give up. Playing along with someone, being nice, trying to help them with innocuous stuff, 8 out of 10 times it doesn't end there at all.

Before I get a bunch of downvotes: No, it's not *every* guy. We *know* it's not every guy. But most of us don't want to sit through 6 creeps just on the off-chance of meeting a nice person. It's just not worth it. And yes, it's always guys who do this. I've never had a woman following me after giving her directions. I've never had a woman keep pushing me after I said no (and I'm sure they exist, crappy women exist, but usually I feel perfectly safe responding to women - so sue me, confirmation bias).

Edit: Just to respond to your specific situation. I think I might have given you the high five if you'd been at it for a little bit and I'd seen you do it to everyone else and not acting like a creep. The fact that it's a bar scene and a social environment makes it all a little easier, imo. Most of my examples, real experiences btw, always happen in non-social scenes, like when going to work, or while doing groceries, etc. So in your case, I probably would have. But just to point out: it wasn't about you personally, basically a bunch of creeps ruined it for you.

Kattiydid

I know it's not all men, every woman knows it's not all men. But I think the best analogy I ever heard for describing the way women need to treat men as a whole is the same way people should treat guns. In gun safety class they teach you to treat every gun like it is loaded until you are certain it's not, and even then it is always better to act with caution. I heard stories of my great uncle who was cleaning his rifle and he "knew for a fact without a doubt that it was unloaded" and he blew a hole through his foot and the floor. I'd rather not blow a hole in my foot because someone said a gun was unloaded and I just trusted them without double-checking. I'd rather not interact with a man I don't know so I can avoid getting harassed or hurt. The best advice for men, according to my guy friends that I have that I trust to treat women with respect and back them up in situations where they are uncomfortable, is: call other men on their shit. If a man is harassing a woman when she's said no, if a man is following a woman, if they are "just talking" but she looks super uncomfortable and he is encroaching on her personal space, interfere. Walk up, ask if she is okay, ask if you can get an authority for her. If the guy then becomes irritated with you for getting in the way, don't back down. Get between him and the woman and tell her she can get somewhere safe. If it's in a parking garage tell her she can get to her car and drive away, If it's at a bar tell her she can go to the bartenders or the bouncer and ask for help. If it's a guy friend of yours and you see them behaving that way, call them out and tell them to stop. It's uncomfortable, it could lose you a friendship, but if no one calls men on their behavior, if MEN don't call other men on their behavior, the men who don't think women are people and deserve respect will never stop behaving that way. Because if only women are telling them what they're doing is wrong, they will never listen. Because they don't consider women people. And when I say they don't consider women people I don't mean they think they're animals, they just actually don't believe women have autonomy, have minds of their own and the ability to say no and mean it and have that decision for themselves be respected. "No means yes" is a way for men to convince themselves that women aren't capable of making decisions for themselves and that you need to take control of them FOR them because they are incapable of making their own decisions. If you would like women to stop being afraid of men then men need to tell each other that the behavior that causes women to be afraid of them is unacceptable.

Just to be clear, this is not meant to be an admonition to you. You asked why we don't high five, I gave you an answer. My answer didn't seem to click for you as a valid thing that made sense so I'm trying to explain the reasoning behind it more thoroughly so you can actually understand where women are coming from. You might not be a bad person, but if we're not sure we're not going to interact with you because how can we possibly know?

I know it doesn't feel good to be treated like a loaded weapon when you are just trying to be a happy person. But before you respond in denial of my perspective, because it hurts you to have people be afraid of you when you didn't do anything wrong, think of how it would feel to have a gun pointed in your face and for you to have no idea if it's loaded or not. Can you blame women for shutting down or for shutting you down when confronted with that possiblity?

What the other commenter said, about it being more likely for women to respond in kind if you've been doing it with all the other people and it's a social setting, is true, but instead of being persistent if someone chooses not to high five you, instead smile and switch to a thumbs up and then just move on. The less of a problem you make of it when a woman decides not to interact with you the safer you will be to the women around you and the less likely you will be to be treated like a weapon.

I hope this helps you understand my perspective a little better, I hope this gives you some understanding the next time you feel shut down for seemingly no reason, and, most especially, I hope this helps you see the behavior of other men from the viewpoint of women and that you decide to help keep women safe when they feel uncomfortable.

Thanks for taking the time to ask, and thanks for taking the time to read my responses.

Never been high five rejected by a guy

And you also never met me (I am a guy too).
My response to unexpected fist bumps, high fives and handshakes is basically a silent "Huh?" before I figure out how to respond. Awkward 4 seconds. Oh, and I also likely forgot what I was thinking of and won't have a peace of mind until I remember it to finish the thought, but that has nothing to do with actually doing a high-five or not.

Snowclone

I'm a no touching person, and no amount of drunk will stop me from being a no touching person.

Threadsdeadbaby

People become defensive when they've been hurt before.

MindTraveller

Lots of men, especially drunk ones, have sweaty palms

Nonbinary btw

Lost_My_Mind

Moms spaghetti!

TheBananaKing

I don't want to interact with drunk people kthx.

They're unpredictable, potentially aggressive, and I just want to avoid the entire situation.

Lost_My_Mind

Well......then don't go to bars. They're FULL of drunk people.

Vanth , edited

Deleted by author

Lost_My_Mind

You specifically said bar crawl, so better not walk downtown in the evenings, period.

I mean.......yes? I'm 6'0, 270lbs and even I don't walk downtown at night. Forget the drunks. You'll just get straight up shot, or stabbed. All for the $37 in your wallet. They don't care.

Better yet, women just stay home in, like, the kitchen or something.

Also yes. But not just women. Everyone. The best time I can remember was covid when the shutdowns happened. If it weren't for all the death, and riots, that would be a fondly remembered time. Mostly because you could walk down the street without breathing in cigerette smoke, or having crackheads chase you with lead pipes. It was great walking around without people everywhere.

Then during the year I had to stay home for chemo, unable to work, financially it sucked. But it was peaceful staying home all day. That's what every day should be!

.................but also every home should have a dishwasher. I loved my time healing. I hated washing dishes. But I still loved never leaving the house.

inb4_FoundTheVegan

Because idc what you are feeling, I don't want to touch a random drunk guy. Sorry, not sorry.

[deleted]

Oh, so it was you who walked past me last week downtown and was trying to get me to high-five you while shouting "HEY" at me repeatedly while I was trying to unlock my bicycle.

Lost_My_Mind

Uhhhhhhh.......

*shifty eyes*

Noooooooooooo, that TOTALLY wasn't meeeeee.........but I hear that guy is awesome!

Maggoty

Yes.

BonesOfTheMoon

For the menfolks; how would you feel if your SO announced they were trans and began transition? Would you stay together? Or just become friends or something?

As a lady I don't know how I'd feel, I think the sexual part would be a huge loss for me. I likes the G-spot orgasms.

Croquette

I would become friend. But I could not stay in a relationship with my partner. I am heterosexual, so dating a man wouldn't work for me.

all-knight-party

This is probably more of an individual's question than a gender-based question. I would support the transition, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I'd want to be with a trans guy. I am vanilla-ass hetero.

BonesOfTheMoon

I think I would try at least, but I'm not into lesbianism. So hard to say.

Dr. Wesker

Friend, if possible. My relationship preference is for women, so, I don't see it working out.

squid_slime , edited

Good question, and highly dependent. I think for the most part I'd move to being friends.

BonesOfTheMoon

I know someone it happened to and she is still married but IDk about the sexual side.

HeyThisIsntTheYMCA

I'm bi.

Maggoty

I think it depends on the relationship. Personally, I married the person, not her genitalia. I like those too but I want the person to be with me until the day we die, far far in the future.

Drivebyhaiku , edited

As a trans masculine non-binary person it's more of personal conversation. My partner isn't into masculine body types so my transition ended up being purely social because my partner does more on a daily basis to contribute to my happiness then the comfort of being in a body that doesn't make me feel like shit daily. It's a bit like having a pet allergy but deciding that you can live with feeling like someone poured sand into your sinuses every day rather than giving up your furry best friend. For all purposes though our relationship is coded and treated as though I am my specified gender. We are effectively culturally a same sex couple. Neither of us use female terms for my junk and he doesn't claim to be straight. We do joke he is "queer by association" however.

But what I am doing counts as a full transition.

In regards to the what you give up situation it's all rather dependant on how adverse you are and whether someone in your relationship is able to give a little and how much you value and ultimately how non-fungible the relationship is to you... Because - just putting it out there - strap-ons do exist.

BonesOfTheMoon

Yeah they just aren't what I want though. It's not that I wouldn't be supporting him, it's that I don't know how that part would go.

Drivebyhaiku

And that's fine. I do what I do because I have a mentality of non-fungibility. There aren't simply more fish in the sea, this is my person. There's not another one out there for me.

There isn't anything ethically wrong with someone with a more flexible approach to romance or someone who has a hard boundry. Not everyone is down for a sacrifice at that level for another person - and that is okay, not everyone is deserving of being the recipient of that kind of sacrifice just as everyone isn't nessisarily capable of making that kind of sacrifice. If you are only kind of happy with your relationship then that's not enough it has to be deep. It isn't nessisarily easy, it doesn't get easier and it might require daily conviction. It is a vulnerable space too. If you don't have absolute trust it's not going to work and absolute trust comes with intense emotional risk.

But on the other hand of things if your partner is dead set on doing this, you love them in a holistic way, you're in a stable environment and you are at any level unsure of your ability to be attracted to them... you could probably afford to try. You might actually surprise yourself with be how you are okay then you thought you would be - and you can set the expectation at the beginning of the process that you are unsure of yourself and don't know if it's something you can do so they know and weigh the risks as part of their transition. Not all transitions are 100%. Trans people are often very calculated about what they choose to pursue based on what they personally value out of life in a more general sense. Not everyone goes for every option and the reasons behind them are intensely personal value judgements that involve way more than just the dysphoria/euphoria hits. I think way too many people peace out of things in general before they try or fully understand something and miss out because they built molehills into mountains. The process of transition isn't lightning fast. You have time to think, to adjust, to compromise and if it really isn't working for you then you will be absolutely sure that it's not for you.

It all depends on your personal estimation of the value of the relationship you have going and how open you are to the process of self exploration to test your hypothesis about yourself against an actual real life situation. Because none of us know ourselves half so well as we think we do.

BonesOfTheMoon

I'm not unwilling to try, that's for sure.

Drivebyhaiku , edited

Then, provided this is not simply a theoretical, I wish you whatever outcome is the best for everyone in the situation you are in. May you and your partner find the most happiness whatever that outcome looks like.

Allero

If they're going FtM, that would sadly be the end of the relationships. Can see ourselves being friends, though!

Jayb151

I mean...I Guess my wife would have to get used to getting banged in the ass.

So I guess if be to down for it?

Klnsfw 🏳️‍🌈

It wouldn't be a problem. I'm bi, and when I'm in love, it's not a question of gender expression or body.

ZeffSyde

If women are truly the fairer sex, why are they always cheating at cards?

MindTraveller

I have a question for the opposite gender: what's your gender?

I don't know what the opposite of my gender is

stiephelando

What's your gender?

MindTraveller

I'm a singularity of thought existing in the mythic plane; a mass hallucination; a self-aware story; a dialectical conversation between sociocultural influences.

stiephelando

Ok that means your opposite gender is a rock :)

Siethron

I'm actually a drop of water flowing down a river, don't assume my state of matter

stiephelando

I think we can all relate to this

MindTraveller

Gay magic space rocks like in Steven Universe?

ThunderclapSasquatch

Dammit Greg, did you get another rock pregnant?

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

Well, it depends.

  • If you're a non-binary person, we'll eliminate the non and that's any binary trans or cis person.

  • If you are genderfluid person, then I suppose it would be gendersolid? So probably any cis person?

  • If you're an agender person, then your opposite would obviously be pangender , you can be a lack to their all.

  • And if you are simply a person, well then that would be xenogender!

Or vice versa! ♥ 💕

sapient [they/them]

Technically, genderfluid is more a descriptor of the rate of change of gender than of gender when you think about it :p

So really, the answer to that is an ever changing subset of people \^.\^

Kattiydid

Oooh! I like that! Xenan. Nice ring to it! My response in "normal" company is she/her but my friends and I always joke about me being a garden cryptid.

OozingPositron

Brings memories of Alg I.

Mango

How do I show interest in a pretty girl next to a girl who isn't without making the not-pretty girl sad?

Kattiydid

As the less conventionally attractive woman, there's a few different things that could happen. Option A: you can't, she knows she's not as pretty and has always known she's not as pretty and will feel bad about being the one who doesn't get hit on no matter what.

Option B: her and her friend are there to have fun on a girls night out and not to be hit on so she's actually happy that she's not the one being bothered. (Assuming this is In a social situation like a bar or a concert where going up to a woman and speaking to them because you are interested is socially acceptable)

Option C: The "less attractive" friend is presenting that way intentionally and is there for scary dog privilege and will back you down and make you go away because neither of them is interested in being bothered. (More likely in scenarios where it was socially unacceptable to go speak to the pretty girl in the first place, but not uncommon in social settings if the pretty girl is tired of being hit on and asks their friend to play bouncer)

  • Part of the reason I don't go out as much anymore is because I got asked to play scary dog privilege more often than not and it just kind of doesn't feel good knowing that you're only there to be a repellent to men.

-The humble perspective of the 5'10" but will still wear 5-in heals, 250 lb muscular woman who knows what way to twist a head to sever the vertebral artery. 🫠

ouRKaoS

the 5'10" but will still wear 5-in heals, 250 lb muscular woman who knows what way to twist a head to sever the vertebral artery. 🫠

Mango

Yeah that stuff is kinda why I won't bother with girls unless they show interest first. Also besides the point, I'm celibate. I'm never gonna have kids and I don't gamble. I'll still flirt though.

thezeesystem

Idk I'm non-binary, don't really have any opposite gender. So. Nothing then? A void of nothing? Idk

BigFig

What questions have you for the void

Cryophilia

I'll ask them to my friend's all-black cat

Lost_My_Mind

And then, if she's anything like my black cat, she fucking END YOU if you try to touch her..........unless you're me, in which case she snuggles up, and loves my attention.

Anyone else??? *cat scratch fever begins to play on the radio*

Jojo, Lady of the West

Careful. It stares back.

Apytele

I'm answering a fair number of femme questions because a) I was raised that way so can speak to that best and b) afaik lemmy skews masc, so that perspective is likely more needed. Both of those points said, I don't have the kind of dysphoria that precludes me comfortably discussing what parts I have or have had, which I've heard can be a thing.

kescusay

Void, here. And I just gotta say...

Hackworth

As a Taoist, I'm mildly offended.

RickAstleyfounddead [OP]

Opposite "sex"

henfredemars

I was just thinking the same thing. Opposite sounds rather presumptive.

willya

Sure, let’s start the man or bear in a forest conversation up on here.

Feathercrown , edited

Let's not, these comments are pretty nice so far

Blaze

Seems like the best way to have a chill Sunday

Hellinabucket

It's telling that the only thing you can think of to possibly ask the other sex is to start drama.

willya

Weird comment from hellinabucket. I’m assuming the bucket contains it all and it never spills?

Maggoty

Bear, and I'm a guy. I don't want to meet random people in a forest. That's why I'm in the forest!

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

Sorts seems like you know that most women say the bear and you are upset about it. Do you actually want to understand why?

Limfjorden

I would like to understand why.

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

Well three big reasons, it's statistically less likely to be an incident, has less terrible results if DOES become a problem and the personal experiences of women. So just to be clear, the hypothetical is

Would you rather be alone in the woods with a random man or a random bear?

And the vast majority of women, myself included, pick the random bear. Of course we realize that bears are dangerous creatures, on average they attack about 40 people a year worldwide. Primarily hikers that get too close to a mother bear and it attacks to protect its cubs.

Now compare that with the statistics of sexual violence. A few things should jump out, primarily that 1 in 5 women experince sexual assault at some point in their lives. One in three victims are minors and just over half of those attacking the crime are known to the victim. It's hard to compare those numbers straight across, because per year and in lifetime aren't quite the same thing, BUT it's also very clear that it's *WAY WAY WAY* more likely that a young woman will be harmed by men they know. Exponentially more so than they are attack by bears.

*(and it's worth nothing that most experts agree those numbers are likely lower than reality due to social pressures and shame)*

If I were hypothetically alone in the woods with a bear, I would know that so long as I leave the bear alone, its likely to leave me alone. If I mess with it or it's cubs, I'm liable to have a problem but if I focus on getting home then it's likely not a problem.

But if it were a random man that knew we were alone in the woods? Well, not only is the man faster and stronger than me, he is also way more likely to harm me than a bear. If I attempt to evade a human, it's way less assured that I could get home safely. Not only is he way smarter and more motivated to find me than a bear, but he also runs the risk of being sadistic. Even in a worse case scenario, the worst thing a bear can do is simply kill me. But some men are liable to keep me alive simply for their gratification and then eventually kill me. To speak nothing of sadists who will specfically enjoy my suffering. That's not a risk with the bear. Getting the worst bear in the world means minutes of pain if I am reckless enough to be near it, but getting the worst man means hours/days/weeks of suffering from a captor that is much harder to escape from. Regardless of my actions, age, appearance or relationship to the man.

And let's say a man/bear does assault me in the woods and I escape back to civilization. Everyone will believe me when I say a bear attacked me. But not so it I say a man. That will prompt questions of

"what were you wearing?"

"Did you lead him on?"

"He said it was consentual, you might be lying because you regret it."

Mosy women have not been raped, BUT most women have had a man try something explict with them while alone. Be it alone in an apartment, home, classroom or any other place. So when the hypothetical is total isolation from society, laws and repurcussions. When it's just me alone in the woods, the bear is a safer bet on every single factor.

Try to answer the question with your little sister in mind, would you rather her be alone in the woods with a stranger man or a random bear? Because as I said before, tragically, 1 in 3 victims are minors, how many many men would we this as their golden opportunity for SA without repercussions? Would those men seek her out? Or would you rather the subject contuine being a wild animal in the woods that doesn't care your sister even exists.

Nibodhika

Let me preface this by saying that I'm a man and I too would choose the bear.

That being said the statistics you shared are not an apples to apples comparison because humans are more often in touch with humans than with bears, so the fact that we get attacked way less by bears than by other humans is to be expected even if bears were the most violent aggressors out there. To kind of put it in perspective think about the opposite, how many times have you been close to a human and the human hasn't attacked you, then compare that to encounters with bears and it quickly becomes obvious that an encounter with a bear is statistically a lot more dangerous than an encounter with a human, because people meet with hundred if not thousands of humans on a daily basis, and only get attacked by one of them periodically, whereas if humans were encountering hundreds or thousands of bears daily the number of attacks would be way higher.

Which is not to say that you shouldn't choose the bear, like I said before I would choose the bear, but the reason for me is that bears are likely to be more predictable, if a bear decides to attack me I'm fucked, if a human decides to attack me I have a chance of survival, but the likelihood that the bear would attack me is easy to calculate, as long as I'm not threatening him and he has some food, we should be good. on the other hand the likelihood that the human will attack me is completely random, some people will have a 0% chance, while others will have a 100%. So it's like asking would you prefer to play Russian roulette with the normal rules (1 bullet) or with a random 0-6 bullets? I personally would go for the 1 bullet, because while I can get 0 bullets on the other way I might also get 6 bullets.

Hellinabucket

So have you just not taken the time to try or do you not understand how the bear is safer?

Limfjorden

I'd like an explanation of the argument from a woman. The only experience is I have with the question is my little sister asking me the question, and me answering that I'd prefer the man because the bear might eat me. She then told me that most women would prefer the bear, but I never understood why. So that's why I'm asking a woman why that is.

Hellinabucket

Cause the man might rape you and that's worse in a lot of people's minds. How is that hard to understand?

willya , edited

I do. I understand most of every side of every argument because I’m not a moron. Especially emotionally charged ones.

inb4_FoundTheVegan , edited

I understand most of every side of every argument because I’m not a moron.

🙄

This sort of arrogant lack of self awareness sounds pretty moronic to me.

willya

Great logic.

Hellinabucket

Then why are you so upset about it?

willya

About what??

Hellinabucket

The whole bear or man thing, it's obviously living rent free in your brain if you can't even think of asking women a question besides that one.

Zerlyna

Why do we have to ask you men to wear boxer briefs at this point? Hell no on tighty whiteys. Boxers are for grand paws… or older.

Beemo Dinosaurierfuß

Why do you think you can dictate to anyone what to wear?

Zerlyna

It was an honest question! Tighty whiteys are for boomers. If Trump wears them… nuff said.

herrvogel

We let one man ruin a perfectly good style of stache, we should not let another jackass ruin a perfectly good style of underwear.

voluble

Grow up.

squid_slime

Trumps wearing nappies though.

Cybermonk_Taiji

Aren't you a peach?

No. The answer is no you are not.

MyTurtleSwimsUpsideDown
  1. Briefs because our balls get in the way and our sweaty scrotum sticks to our legs. The leg bands of the briefs sit up in the crease and separate the sack from the thighs.

  2. Boxers because some folks don’t like restriction and want airflow to our sweaty balls. Also they come in more fun patterns.

  3. Because that’s what our parents bought for us as kids. It’s not an important enough part of our wardrobe to change if it’s working for us. No one is supposed to see them in public anyways.

willya

What about a banana hammock?

Cybermonk_Taiji

Are you entirely unfamiliar with Sir Calvin Klein and his wares?

Feathercrown

That's not a question

squid_slime

I'm a fan of tight boxers, a cross between pants and boxers. (Pants) in uk are underwear.

But which cut?! Midway briefs, boxer briefs, or trunks?!